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siliquasquamaUnicorns are not native to North America, much to the chagrin of many a school child.
If one were being charitable, one could assume that a certain Vermonter's attempt to establish a breeding population of captive unicorns was an effort to please school children and all who delight in wonder. But in reality, the man's efforts were primarily about creating a steady supply of unicorn horn, for to sell as an ingredient in water filtration systems and the like. It's all about the greenbacks in this country.
Now, consider the juxtaposition of the words "unicorn" and "captive". Given the terrifyingly fierce reputation of unicorns, one might ask how, exactly, this particular fellow managed to actually obtain, transport and imprison such creatures. Details are obscure, the records being largely lost in the fire, but accounts of survivors indicate something involving heavy chains, and a concrete holding pen.
Clearly none of the man's efforts availed him. He would have done better simply to employ virgins, and save the expense. But how exactly do you ask for someone's sexual history in a job interview? That's the kind of thing that gets you stern looks from the Labor Board.
So now there's an introduced population of unicorns in western New England, from central Vermont down to central Connecticut. The good news is that they're very slow to reproduce, so if people can figure out how to actually handle them, the problem might actually be solveable. The bad news is that nobody's figured out how.
And in the meantime, they're decimating the deer population. Yes, unicorns are ominvorous, and deer just happen to be their favorite living prey. Those horns of theirs are quite effective at spearing a hapless deer. This is causing great consternation in the hunting community, with calls for a mass unicorn cull, followed by just as many calls asking who would be brave enough to try it. Conservationists, meanwhile, are happy that the eastern deer population is being reduced, which will allow the forest a chance to regrow more swiftly; people running outdoor summer camps are up in arms about the potential danger to their charges, notwithstanding the fact that children are virgins. The insurance rates on outdoor summer camps have risen high enough to force many to close.
In recent months, various state governments have been working on a more viable solution than hunting: introducing pumas back to the east. After all, the natural predator of the unicorn is the lion, so it stands to reason that a Mountain Lion could do the job just as well. It would be a great incentive to restore a long-lost species back to the east, and stabilize the situation, if not entirely extirpate the unicorn population.
It would probably not allay the fears of anyone involved with outdoor summer camps. But there are no perfect solutions in this world. In the meantime, residents of the affected areas are reporting the highest water quality they've ever seen.
If one were being charitable, one could assume that a certain Vermonter's attempt to establish a breeding population of captive unicorns was an effort to please school children and all who delight in wonder. But in reality, the man's efforts were primarily about creating a steady supply of unicorn horn, for to sell as an ingredient in water filtration systems and the like. It's all about the greenbacks in this country.
Now, consider the juxtaposition of the words "unicorn" and "captive". Given the terrifyingly fierce reputation of unicorns, one might ask how, exactly, this particular fellow managed to actually obtain, transport and imprison such creatures. Details are obscure, the records being largely lost in the fire, but accounts of survivors indicate something involving heavy chains, and a concrete holding pen.
Clearly none of the man's efforts availed him. He would have done better simply to employ virgins, and save the expense. But how exactly do you ask for someone's sexual history in a job interview? That's the kind of thing that gets you stern looks from the Labor Board.
So now there's an introduced population of unicorns in western New England, from central Vermont down to central Connecticut. The good news is that they're very slow to reproduce, so if people can figure out how to actually handle them, the problem might actually be solveable. The bad news is that nobody's figured out how.
And in the meantime, they're decimating the deer population. Yes, unicorns are ominvorous, and deer just happen to be their favorite living prey. Those horns of theirs are quite effective at spearing a hapless deer. This is causing great consternation in the hunting community, with calls for a mass unicorn cull, followed by just as many calls asking who would be brave enough to try it. Conservationists, meanwhile, are happy that the eastern deer population is being reduced, which will allow the forest a chance to regrow more swiftly; people running outdoor summer camps are up in arms about the potential danger to their charges, notwithstanding the fact that children are virgins. The insurance rates on outdoor summer camps have risen high enough to force many to close.
In recent months, various state governments have been working on a more viable solution than hunting: introducing pumas back to the east. After all, the natural predator of the unicorn is the lion, so it stands to reason that a Mountain Lion could do the job just as well. It would be a great incentive to restore a long-lost species back to the east, and stabilize the situation, if not entirely extirpate the unicorn population.
It would probably not allay the fears of anyone involved with outdoor summer camps. But there are no perfect solutions in this world. In the meantime, residents of the affected areas are reporting the highest water quality they've ever seen.
